I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize