i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize