Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
This is the high leading the old right now
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
