had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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