Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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