she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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