dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
