If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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