Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
