my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
