even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
my being single is dangerous.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
