there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
