I wish I could teleport
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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