I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
bring money and cleavage
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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