hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
