I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
