I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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