He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
