brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
