I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
