So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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