Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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