The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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