OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
