woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm getting married
To pizza
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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