I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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