Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
