that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
