am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
