I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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