I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
