They should really pass out barf bags in church
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Dignity is for republicans.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
