I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
