Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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