I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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