We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
