I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
