my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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