This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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