Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
