Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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