Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
