i think my mom watched the whole time
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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