Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
