just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize