me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
