My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
