I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Ketchup is God's man juice
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize