note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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