I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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