We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
