after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize