Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
