I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
