Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
